Firstly I just want to say I am so grateful for how amazing the response was on my last moving to university post (click here if you haven’t read it yet). I was so nervous to post it as it is very rare that anyone seems to share a university experience anything less than perfect on social media, and I’m so glad that me being more honest has helped people who are feeling similar. I think that social media is so toxic around this time, because it is so easy to make your life seem perfect and if you are feeling rubbish about university and someone is posting having the time of their life it can make you feel worse and ‘weird’ for not being like them. I’m glad that I added a little ripple in that calm university pool and basically just told it how it is, which is highs and lows! It would have been quite easy to only post the good bits but I didn’t think that was real as honestly I am struggling and having very high highs and very low lows.
Anyway back to the post. This week is going to be the start of freshers and also going to Leeds again for a good while, which will be strange to be there for quite a long time but I am excited for some freshers. I am also going to Manchester at some point in this post too, which will be exciting as that is the biggest university in the country so I’m presuming the freshers there will be pretty wild!
This doesn’t really link to university as I am home for a few days but I feel committed to writing a paragraph each day, so this one is going to be pretty short and more of a little emotional snippet. Today I went to see my dad and my grandparents, which was really nice as now that I have moved away I am not sure when I will next see them so I’m trying to make an effort to go when I’m at home. Today I have overall just felt a bit low, I think its because my two closest friends are both out doing their freshers tonight (a week before mine starts) and I just feel a bit distant from everyone. Its a really weird feeling because I am so excited for my freshers to start now that I have made some plans but equally I do not want to leave home on Tuesday AT ALL (like the very thought makes me want to cry). Even the inside of my head is conflicting so I don’t imagine I’m articulating how I feel very well to you at all! I think I just have a bit of FOMO tonight whilst I’m at home and a lot of people I know are out partying and seeming really settled… and I’m just not yet.
Today is my last home day for quite a while so I took full advantage of it by doing some blog writing, packing my suitcase and also catching up on my youtube subscription box, so basically I’ve had a really chilled morning and I’m still in my pyjamas. Its about lunchtime now and I’ve just facetimed my boyfriend, which made me feel so better hearing how his freshers is going because we haven’t really spoken for a few days. It makes me so excited to go to Manchester for a couple of my freshers night outs! I feel very sad to leave home tomorrow as although I know it won’t be long before I see my family again it will be a couple of weeks before I’m actually at my home again and I know I’m going to miss my home comforts. This afternoon I am going to go and get my nails done with my nan, which is well overdue. I wanted to get them done so I feel more confident around new people as I think that when I feel more confident about myself and more ‘me’ I will preset myself to new people in a better way. It sounds weird but it works!
What a busy day! I have spent the majority of the day travelling and I am now sat in a Manchester coffee shop writing this whilst waiting for my boyfriend and his flatmates to come out of a lecture. I genuinely think that we should rename this series to ‘how many times Tori can cry in a month’ because saying goodbye to my nan and grandad was so hard this morning and I ended up crying on the train… classy. I just miss them so much whenever I am not with them and knowing that it will be a week before I see them again really upsets me. That being said now that I am here I am feeling a lot better and we have a zoo party planned tonight which I am so excited for. I’m looking forward to starting my freshers and having a good dance, I think I am in need of a drink after the emotional rollercoaster that has been the past week! I have bought a top that is a bit out of my comfort zone but I think it looks really nice and I think if there is a time to be bold with your outfit it is when you don’t know anyone, as you won’t be judged for it. Obviously I haven’t gone out yet but I’m sure I will be updating you on how my first night of proper freshers went tomorrow, or in the next paragraph for you.
The icebreaker party last night was absolutely fantastic and I loved it, which really surprised me. It made me feel so much more confident as I met so many people who were lovely and we ended up staying out until 4am, which is not like me at all. Today we have had a very chilled day as we were so tired and a little hungover, so we were in need of a long lie in. I’m so happy that the flatmates are so welcoming even though I’m not even at their university! A girl in the flat made a traditional Korean dish for dinner and it was gorgeous, one of the best meals I have had in a while and it was nice to try something new. This week is full of new things so I think that it links to the theme quite well! Tonight we are going to meet some people and have a few quiet drinks, as we met a guy briefly last night and he seemed really nice so it will be nice to get to know him properly and I think some of the girls we met are going along too. A chilled bar night is definitely more of my style so I’m thankful for that as opposed to another night of nightclubbing… I’m definitely a grandma at heart!
This is going to be a huge update! Firstly ill start by saying that last night was fab, we went to a bar called The footage and it was a really chilled vibe, and they served cocktails in soft drink cans which was a cool touch. So now we have got the optimistic things out of the way (we all like a bit of balance) lets get onto the rest of the day. My god today has been hard, and potentially the hardest day of 2018 so far. Trust me 2018 had had its fair share of bad days but I have always had people around me bringing me up but today I have just felt painfully alone and I’m not going to sugarcoat it at all.
I had a complete meltdown before I even left Manchester because I realised that tonight will be the first night I’m in Leeds on my own, and I just had a major freakout which hasn’t seemed to disappear since. Like I’m currently in my room, in a city on my own and I know NOBODY. Not even my whole block is in the accommodation yet as a lot more move tomorrow! It is so weird and I do not like it at all, I’ve literally spent most of the day crying. I feel like such a wimp because in my boyfriends flat there are lots of international students who have literally moved to the other side of the world on their own and they seem fine and then there is me sobbing like a 3 year old because I’m travelling an hour away. It is so annoying as all I want to do is enjoy my experience and so far I have absolutely hated it unless someone is with me and I have that support… and I can’t exactly do that for 3 years. Its so weird as although I know I am definitely a homebird, I would also consider myself quite an independent person until now. Why is it that when I’m at home I have always liked being on my own and now I am on my own I don’t like it?! I’m so confused with my brain.
I feel so weird talking about this because I’m used to not really sharing my feelings on my blog and I feel like I’m going to get judged heavily for not coping. I am a really emotional person in real life and although it makes me feel more vulnerable I am glad I am sharing it because surely someone else is feeling like this too. I have a lot of guests next week though so thats good, as it makes me feel so much better having people here and its something for me to count down the days until, which for some reason always helps me. I have decided to just keep myself busy so I cooked myself a nice dinner (chicken noodles) and tidied up the flat/unpack my things to try to take my mind off everything but realistically I can’t seem to think of anything else. Later on I’m planning to go to the common room to meet some people, which despite me moaning for the last 10 minutes, I am actually looking forward to as I have enjoyed meeting a lot of new people in the last few days.
I am looking forward to tomorrow as I have a really busy day and I’m going out on the night so I’m excited to meet more people in Leeds, as I have met a load of people from the wrong university but none from my own! I’m planning on going on a night out tomorrow night and I will see how it goes although I’m nervous to go on my own. I do think it will do me good being on my own tonight, as I need to learn to be in the city on my own and I’m proud of myself for actually doing it. I’m not going to lie and say it has been easy as it really hasn’t but I’m proud of myself for not just ringing my grandparents or boyfriend and getting them to come stay with me, as I feel like although I am taking teeny tiny baby steps they are steps in the right direction.
That was definitely the longest update so far in this series!
I’m very pleased to report that yesterday got better and although I didn’t feel perfect, I felt a lot better for pushing myself and going to the common room. I am not going to talk a lot about today really because during the day I was attending a blog event that I am going to be writing a whole blog post on, which will be the next post that goes live after this. It was a good day and I had fun learning some more cooking skills, and doing something that isn’t related to the university! I am looking forward to doing more events in Leeds as last year I had to turn a lot down because it was too far to travel from my hometown but now it is just on my doorstep. However, lets talk about emotions and why I am currently writing this on a train… I know. Literally last night I said I was taking steps in the right direction despite not feeling good about it and today I am on a train back home for the night. My emotions just got to a point where it is stupid to put myself in that position, as despite being a very emotional person I am very in touch with my own body and so I know when my emotions get to a point where I actually need to take action. I know that going home will not help me in the long run but if it means that I can see my family, have a good nights sleep and get this horrible feeling out of the pit of my stomach for a few hours then I don’t even care. I wish I was exaggerating when I say that I have cried for 18 hours in the last 24… the 6 hours I didn’t being the 3 hours sleep I got and the 3 hours in the common room last night. I need a good cup of tea, a long bath and a hug I think!
I 100% needed to go home last night and I do not regret my decision, I honesty slept for 12 hours when I got home and I have woken up feeling so much more refreshed and relaxed. Such a nice feeling! Today I am going back to Leeds and my grandparents are coming with me (this was always planned for them to come but it has coincided with my mental breakdown!). I have decided that the only way that I am going to settle over the next few weeks is by having different people coming to see me to look forward to. Next week I have a lot of people coming to see me and only 1 or 2 nights in-between so I always have something to look forward to and a familiar face to see. As you can probably see by my tone I am certainly feeling a lot better today because I have my comfort blanket of my family back, and I just need to keep going for the next few weeks until I properly settle. I am looking forward to induction to give me something to do during the day!
Last night and this morning have been a huge eye-opener and honestly probably one of the hardest 24 hours of my life so far. Im the first to admit that I’m struggling but I have been so caught up in my own negativity that (selfishly) I haven’t considered how that is effecting the people around me. And its hard! University is hard, financially its hard, moving away from everyone and everything I have ever known is hard… it is just so bloody hard! I am so grateful that my family are willing to support me and help me through when I can’t cope, which is honestly right now. I have been able to sit down today and come up with a realistic plan of how I am going to get through the next 6-8 weeks and make sure that I stay at university, which as someone who likes to plan ahead is definitely useful. What I would say as my biggest piece of advice is remember that your family are suffering too and please consider how much it is upsetting and distressing for them. Someone who has been their whole world for the past 18 years (maybe longer) is now somewhere completely different and its bound to be horrible. Obviously I’m the person who will be going home a lot but even if you don’t see yourself going home, give your family a call and make some time for them. Even if its just a phonecall to say how happy you are, just showing that they are appreciated through both the good times and the bad times will mean a lot to them I’m sure.
So that is week 2 of my university experience. I have decided that I am going to do another 2 of these posts, which means that I will have written a blog entry everyday for a month but uploading once a week. We still have a lot of freshers to go, my induction week and also the first week of my course so I have a lot more to document and I can’t wait to read these back when I’m not an emotional mess 80% of the time! Overall this week has been one of the hardest week but it has had positive moments and I’m hoping next week is a better week with more positivity. I feel vulnerable posting this again because I’m not doing the ‘typical’ university experience but it is working for me. Do what makes you happy! As always thank you so much for reading this and for supporting me no matter what, I do truly appreciate it.