Most birthdays I tend to write a post all about my goals and future aspirations, but if this year has taught me anything, its that plans can change and everything can change so suddenly. Every plan I had for 2020 is now no longer happening, and that is completely okay. However, I don’t want to set goals for myself this year, as the future is so uncertain, and I just want this year to be the one where I ‘see what happens’. As lets be real here, nobody has a choice. However, I decided to mark the occasion by writing a letter to my future self.
I have always loved writing, thats the reason I started my blog, and starting a new chapter of my life (my twenties) seems like a good time to write down everything I want my future self to know in a letter to my future self. I don’t know when I will read this blog post again (I’m hoping that I stumble upon it rather than ‘plan’ when to open it), but everything is changing so fast right now, I’m not sure it really matters.
Hi (future) Tori,
Firstly, the photo of you above holding the balloons is what you currently look like. I wonder if you look entirely different, or whether I haven’t aged? I don’t know why I thought to write a letter to my future self, but I’m finding everything very nostalgic at the moment and I’m spending a lot of time thinking, so I thought it would be therapeutic to write. I’m going to start by setting the scene. It is such a warm day today (as it usually is around my birthday), it is the 24th June, and I am sitting outside. I have brought my little speaker outside, I’m listening to Frank Turner, nan and grandad have gone out so I am alone, and I decided this was a good time to write this. It feels peaceful. Still.
I keep looking out to sea. The beach is busy, which makes a nice change considering for the past 3 months we have been in a nationwide lockdown. It has been a very weird year so far, as I am sure you can remember. I finally feel that we are getting some normality back, but who knows? Im sure you will looking back with all of the knowledge now, but everyone is questioning a second wave and other countries are going into a second lockdown. I really hope that we don’t have to, but we got through the last one, and I’m sure if another one comes… it won’t be awful. To be honest, part of me has enjoyed lockdown. Its been nice to take my foot off the pedal (well a bit), and have more time to do whatever I want to do. I’m so used to getting 8 trains a week, that not setting foot on a train for the past 3 months or opening my suitcase has been quite a welcome surprise.
Another welcome surprise is that my business has grown more than I thought it would over the past few months. I don’t know how or why, but lockdown has provided a growth in my sales, and I’m actually launching a brand new lash tomorrow as I write this. I hope when you are reading this, Indigo Rosee Beauty still exists. I hope it has flourished (as let me tell you… you are working hard), and I hope that it is still something that you are working on. Sitting here now, I think that I will end up working a ‘traditional’ job part time, and run IRB part time. But who knows, I suppose you can tell me as you are reading this. I do hope my baby still exists though, as IRB is truly the thing that brings me the most happiness. I wonder if some of my customers now, are still your customers as you are reading this?
I still struggle with perfectionism. I am slightly better than in the past but I still have my crippling fear of failure, and I hope that as you read this, that isn’t still a part of your personality. Lets be real, its the worst bit about you. I hope you are proud of your achievements, I hope you look back and have the success that you so desperately crave, but I hope you are also happy. I also hope you have a sausage dog…. but that is a side point. Yesterday, I achieved a first in my second year. At this point, I am wanting nothing more than to get a first. Did you get it? How was graduation? I have spent the best part of 3 months trying to work out what my dissertation topic is going to be, and I still can’t decide. I hope you enjoyed writing it though, and I hope you did well.
How is everyone? Is everyone who is in your life now, still there? I hope they are. I have a small friendship group but I truly love everyone, and I finally feel like I have a good group of people around me, who genuinely have my back. We don’t see each other everyday, but I know that they are there and everyone is so supportive of me. It is weird that when I read this back, I’m sure there will be even more people in my life who were strangers when I wrote this. How are nan and grandad? Are you still living close by? Or did you actually take the plunge and move away? I know that deep down you want to move away right now, but you are still too scared and don’t feel ready. I hope by the time you are reading this, you are ready. God knows how you are going to live away from home though, you are truly hopeless.
Did you get a tattoo? Did you dye your hair? Did you ever do anything remotely wild? Did you travel anywhere? I hope your early twenties is the most fun that you have ever had. At the top of your travel list right now is Dubai, New York and Australia. God knows how you will get the money to go there, but I hope you have done at least one.
At the moment, your health is on your mind a lot. You know what I’m talking about- I’m not going to write it on the internet. Did you finally get everything sorted out? I hope you did, as I know that it will bring you happiness. You say it doesn’t bother you to seem like you have your shit together- but it does. I hope that by the time you are reading this, you have a huge part of your life back.
It is such a weird time right now in my life. Im not sure if it because of my age, or the pandemic, or a mixture of both… but I feel like everything is changing. I have always known where I am going to be this time next year (because I have always been in education), but this is the first time I have 0 clue where I will be next year. Such a weird feeling. Some of my friends are moving in with their partners, some have never even kissed anyone. Some people are having children, and some people are going on nights out 4 times a week. Its a weird time, where everyone is going on such different paths. Lets be honest, I have no idea where my path is yet. I’m just trying to go with the flow as much as I can, but we all know I’m not the best at that.
Entering my twenties and writing this letter to my future self, I am feeling uncertain but I also feel like I am going in the right direction. However, I feel like you can be the judge of that. Don’t be too harsh though- I’m still as sensitive as I’ve always been.